Naruto, The Yaoi Way
by The Cocoa X
Summary: My explanations for the reasoning behind some things in Naruto. Along the way, I'll be making major fun of Yaoi, and other things I find worthy of jabbing at. T for double entendres etc.
1. Itachi and the Clan

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, and I don't want to, because frankly, it's been butchered since I started watching/reading it. But I'll tell you what I do own, a heaping amount of hatred for yaoi.

That said, I hope you enjoy.

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Chapter 1: Itachi and the Clan 

While Itachi always did have an unexplainable amount of talent, he was also incredibly odd. This might be explained by the fact that his father dressed like a woman and flirted with him, or perhaps because his mother ran off with his sister to the country. I don't really know, I'm not a psychiatrist. But Itachi was always prone to patting his companions on the rear (even his poor brother was not spared) and giggling, and oftentimes he could be found brushing his hair in front of a mirror for hours.

Nevertheless, no one ever questioned his affiliations, after all, he was the prodigy of the clan, and obviously would use his incredibly virile skills to expand the Uchiha clan. However, soon they would all be screwed, for soon after Naruto was born, and the Kyuubi was sealed within him, Itachi came upon the child one sunny gay afternoon.

Itachi took one look at him, and thought, "This child will grow up to be my sweet smoldering bear of man flesh, I know it!" But his next thought was, "But if my clan also discovers this potential sweet smoldering bear of man flesh, they will want him to be their sweet smoldering bear of man flesh. Something must be done." So Itachi, being the genius he is, came up with the logical conclusion that if he kills his clan, they can't take him. Because while dead people can smell bad, they can't steal away your sweet smoldering bear of man flesh.

So in the dead of night, Itachi went through his clan killing each member systematically, (not with sodomy you perverts) until he came upon his brother Sasuke, who was also brushing his hair. Itachi thought, "While I could kill him, why not spare him, after all, not only will a love triangle add great dramatic flair to the story of my life, it also makes great drivel in the form of ItaNaruSasu! Perfect!"

Coming to another logical conclusion, Itachi then proceeded to deliver his famous lines, "Foolish little brother, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way, run, run, and cling to life. And someday, when you have a sweet smoldering bear of man flesh, come before me." And with that Itachi left.

And that is the real reason Itachi killed his clan.

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Reactions? Ideas? I'd like to know. I'm poking in the dark here. 


	2. Orochimaru's Confusion

**Disclaimer:** Blah blah blah, I don't own Naruto.

**AN:** I don't know about you guys, but I thought my choice of words was pretty funny in the last chapter, I mean virile? Screwed? I hope you guys got it. I thought it was genius. Then again, I might just be messed up in the brain.

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Chapter 2: Orochimaru's confusion

Orochimaru, as a child, was often mistaken as a girl. When he was born, the doctor saw his pale complexion and feminine features and immediately announced, "Congratulations, you have a new baby girl." That lasted the 5 seconds until he looked below the waist. The doctor shamefully left the village afterwards.

After he started talking, which started with words like "I'm pretty" and said in his girly voice, only made it worse. Fortunately for the villagers, they were only half wrong, after all, a person as feminine as Orochimaru has to chase after boys.

So when he was teamed with a blond haired, hazel eyed stud of a guy (or so he thought), he began turning on the charm and brushing hands with his dreamy hunk of a teammate. Tsunade, who if you are smart, could have figured out, was this "dreamy hunk", and she became quite smitten with Orochimaru. And so they began a doomed relationship, while leaving out Jiraiya, who was the only one who knew the whole story, and inwardly dying of laughter.

After the third date, in which Orochimaru took them to a flower field with a picnic packed with daisies and posies and all other kinds of flowers ending in "sies" (no they didn't eat the flowers), he finally got in "his" pants, which he found to his shock, that he was actually a she. Things were never the same.

Years later, Orochimaru, became besotted with a brat of a child, whom he took under his wing, while secretly planned to do things which if uttered, would melt your heterosexual ears. One day shortly after the Yondaime was appointed, and Anko trained "himself" to exhaustion, Orochimaru decided it was time to make his move. As he pulled the pants off, he once again found, to his inevitable horror, that he had screwed up.

With a scream of "unfrickinbelievable" Orochimaru fled the village, never again to ally himself with the village that had messed up his sense of gender so badly.


	3. The Eyes of the Hyuuga

Chapter 3: The Eyes of the Hyuuga

It's not a well known fact that the Hyuuga didn't always have x-ray eyes like they do now. In fact, during the time of the Nidaime, the Hyuuga were a normal ninja clan. An extremely homosexual and perverted ninja clan, but they were normal in abilities.

While all of them were incredibly homosexual and perverted, there was one, Jiraiya Hyuuga (the sennin we know and love was incidentally named after this pervert, but he went a different direction and is a different story) whose pervertedness and homosexuality made the rest of his family seem like innocent heterosexual young boys.

Jiraiya was constantly inventing new perverted things, like Kage Bunshin pants, that would disappear with a little pat (quite a few males were unfortunate to fall to this), Kage Bunshin Underwear, the Wonder Bra, and Vaseline. While these useless inventions would eventually get left behind in history, he created one perverted jutsu that would alter his clan forever. The Byakugan, was Jiraiya's genius all purpose peeking technique that could see through walls, clothing, and if you so chose to, you could even see the inner coils (but being perverts, the Hyuuga never did that, after all, how useless is being able to see the inner coils when you can stare at men without their clothes on?).

Jiraiya was so enamored with his new technique that he left it on for an entire month, walking around looking through walls of hot springs and through the clothing of males of all ages. By the time he turned it off, his eyes were permanently white, but obviously that's a small price to pay for unlimited peeking. In fact, when he revealed and taught it to the rest of the clan, he was hailed instantly as a Hyuuga hero, and they rallied to have him made as the Gaykage. But the straight village quickly put them down.

All the Hyuuga constantly using the technique that eventually their eyes all turned white as well, and the technique was passed down from generation to generation. As it passed down to present day, the purpose of the Byakugan was skewed from all purpose peeking technique to scary looking eyes of doom that could see your inner coils.

And that is how the Eyes of the Hyuuga, the Byakugan, came to be.


End file.
